After scoffing a bottle of Caol Ila Cask Strength, Santa shows Whisky for Girls his lascivious side……!
What do you do on the other nights of the year?
Well believe it or not I’m actually very busy all year round. Everything that happens on Christmas Eve and Christmas day takes a lot of planning. This being the modern world things have changed a lot and I now have a few part–time consultancy jobs with the likes of Fed-Ex, DHL and Parcel force. It’s of benefit to all parties and as the work load increases, we (North Pole Enterprises) sub-contract to many of the big name carriers. But that’s mainly day work. Nights are more “Me time” …..
Mmm… I really like this Caol Ila, for cask strength it’s very smooth….
Who do you hang out with?
Oh I’ve a few mates. The tooth Fairy, Superman, Jolly Green Giant although I am only just started talking to him again after he stole my “Ho Ho Ho”. I’m also friendly with Snow White and it’s nice when she visits cos the Dwarfs can go and see the Elves and no doubt have a good moan about us. Humpty Dumpty is also a great laugh and we’ve had some great nights out but he can sometimes go too far. More than once he’s taken a tumble and you’ve probably heard what happens. One minute we’re shouting “Better not climb that wall” next thing you know you can’t move for Kings horses and Kings men. Lot of good they were… didn’t even have basic first aid. AND they caused mayhem galloping off after the Ambulance on its way to A+E…..
Wonder how much this is a bottle? It’s very nice once you’ve had a few… these glasses hold more than you think! Ah well it’s nearly Christmas….now where was I…..
Are they whisky drinkers?
Abso-bloody-lutely! Mind you, most of them will drink anything. Snow- white likes Glenfarclas. Dwarves will drink anything as long as it’s a miniature. The rest will have whatever is going free.
When did you first drink whisky?
Oh It was a very long time ago. Before the days of the exciseman. Bloody tax………..
What is your preferred style of whisky?
Oh I like all whisky but I suppose if I were pushed it would have to be a good Islay Single Malt. Just like this Caol Ila I have here. I may as well finish the bottle now, no sense in leaving a wee dribble in the bottom…… no use to man nor beast
How often do you drink whisky?
Oh not that often maybe 3 or 4 times a day……… And a few in the evening………
Who introduced you to whisky?
Oh that would be my old mate Jack Frost. I remember him saying “Here try some of this Nick, this will warm you up” and you know he was right!
Do women drink much whisky where you are?
Well you’re asking the wrong man here. You see there are not really a lot of women here. Only Mrs Clause. She says she enjoys a wee one but if that’s true, why did she marry me!!!!!!! Oh I forgot the tooth fairy. How could I forget the tooth fairy? She’s quite well off you know. You think only a pound here and a dollar there but it’s all cash! Bet she doesn’t declare half of it.
How do you think whisky has changed over all the time you have been drinking it?
Too much choice now. And it’s too expensive… bloody taxman. The tooth fairy has the right idea. And another thing, far too many expressions only aimed at the collectors. Whisky is for drinking and sharing not gathering dust on a shelf. Talking of which I may need to see what’s open in the cupboard……….
What do you think of the New World whiskies?
Well what can you say. It’s ok…. No that’s not fair some of it is actually very good. You must remember it’s all “still” a bit new to them…… get it…still??
Can we expect to see more whisky given as presents at Christmas?
I hope so…. To me it’s the perfect gift. If you get a bottle you like then throw the cork in the fire and get wired in. If it’s one you’re not that keen on then just say “ Wow, this is too good to drink now, this is one for my special collection” Smiles all round…………………………………………………………..
Ah haaaa Lagavulin 16yr old and it’s half full!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…………………………..
What advice do you have for people who want to learn about whisky?
Get yourselves over to Islay. It’s the place to see how it’s done properly and the people are very friendly. I visit there a lot (in disguise of course). I normally have a shave in January so that makes it easier. I get the ferry over cos I’m fed up flying. I park the sleigh at Kennacraig Ferry Terminal on the mainland and leave the reindeer in the field across the road.
Why did you chose red for your suit?
Sponsorship!!!! Done a deal with Coke years ago and we’ve been raking it in ever since!
Who looks after the reindeer when they are at home?
Well to be honest they are only leased. So we just hand them back to the Sami and we don’t see them again until we need them. Tax deductible! Our accountant is very good at that sort of thing! He also attends to the Tooth Fairy’s business affairs so enough said!!!!!!
Are you a party man?
HELL YEAH…. Or at least I was when I was younger. Once you get over a hundred you do need to slow down a bit. I love going out on Halloween. We all do cos we can be ourselves. I can really let my beard down. This Lagavulin is just the dog’s………………… I might go out when I finish this………. Bound to be somewhere still open ………………… wonder if the tooth fairy is out????????????????
Will you ever retire?
I could have retired around 50 years ago but what’s the point. For all the pension is I don’t think I could survive. I could always get a part time Christmas job in John Lewis’s as myself!!!!!!!!! How mental would that be………. Right I’m going to text the TF!!!!!!!!!!
Do you take on apprentices?
Yes. It’s very important to keep the old crafts and skills going for the future generations and their little ones. We also get paid by a Scottish government scheme which helps………… Ok text sent!!
What does Ho mean, and why do you shout it ?
It means the TF has texted back HoHoHoHoHo… “im up 4 it if u r big boy xx lol ”
Now. I need to get out without Mrs C hearing me….. not easy when you’re pissed!
What if people don’t have a chimney ~ how do you get down the chimney?
No chimney no problem. We’ll always find a way in but I can’t tell you how. At the moment getting out is the problem….
Are people still as kind as they were when I was wee and leave out shortbread and a dram for you, and carrots and water for the reindeer?
Yes very kind. More Blue WKD and muffins nowadays but wten you’re out on Christmas night anything will do. Of course I don’t drive/fly myself. We have a designated Elf. Not bothered about the reindeer as they are only leased. Did I tell you that? ……………… Tried standing up there, not good. Bloody cask strength. I’m going to have to text TF back…. Sorry No can do…. OR should that be Knockando?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you get it ……? no can do…… ? ah, please yourselves.
What will you put in my stocking this year?
Ah stockings…. Two of my favourite things…… I bet the TF wears stockings. Humpty says she does. He got a flash of her sussies one night when he fell off that bloody wall. He says it was worth it for that alone………..
You are an advocate for eco and tradition ~ still using reindeer and sleigh, not a MAN truck for example ~ do you think this is the best way to stop global warming and the desecration of the planet, because if not, you won’t have a home?
Yes I do. Even the reindeer have been modified to be more eco friendly. More streamline antlers, alloy hooves and lighter carbon fibre harness mean they can now do over 55 chimneys to the carrot. I’m finding it difficult to type now. I’m on one knee with only my chin on the desk holding me up…… bloody cask strength…….. problems focussing on the screen. Bloody TF has not texted back…. Bet you she’s met the Jolly Green Giant… Ho ho bloody ho ’;lopkkm………….,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,l=_>>> sorry about that chin slipped and my beard caught on the keyboard!
Will we see you next year?
Feeling ill now. What’s the question… Will we see you next year? Might not see me this bloody year……… Only joking but I do really need to go to bed now. I must try not to wake up Mrs C…. she’s great you know…one in a million, I’m a lucky man.
Ho Ho Ho,
Merry Christmas to One and All
Thank you, Santa, for that revealing glimpse into your seasonal life